To the Person Supporting Sobriety- a few years in.

I wrote a blog post last year titled “To the Person Supporting Someone Newly Sober.” You can find it here.

I wanted to write a follow up to that post for a few reasons. There just isn’t a lot out there to help and guide the person in a supporting role to sobriety. Al-Anon is amazing and offers some great books and literature. But apart from that, I haven’t found much.

I think it’s needed. I can read a book all day long giving me information, but to hear someone else’s experience/story is just a healing balm.

I can only keep my story, my story. I can’t share anyone else’s side or perspective but my own.

My husband received his 3 year sobriety chip this past February. That’s all I’ll say about that. BUT….

What does it feel like 3 years in? What does it look like? How can you (you in a supporting role) continue your own work and keep your eyes on yourself? These are the things I’d like to write about.

I will say the number one thing to know is that you are powerless over alcoholism. It might be your brother, friend, co-worker, partner, parent, child….it doesn’t make a difference. You can’t shame, yell, beg, convince, hide things, manipulate, threaten, control it away. As Al-Anon literature says, “You can’t Cause, Control, Or Cure it”. So acceptance is the first step to YOUR own freedom.

This means you have no control over the future. You have no control over the chance of a relapse. So you might as well stop worrying about that. Let that go, and let your Higher Power take that one.

The next thing is this. Like anything that’s new, the excitement and the high of your person getting sober wears off. At first, it’s all you think about. You watch what you say and what you do, and you just want to MAKE SURE this sticks.

Then it DOES!

And you’re a few years in, and you realize you’re sort of tired of everything being about sobriety. You’re sort of tired of everything being about recovery. You still get triggered by moments, looks, memories. You might instinctively think to check their eyes, or listen to their voice to see if it sounds normal…then you remember you don’t have to do that anymore. But it sucks that you did.

And this is where you might be a few years in… finally able to relax enough to be sad about what was.

You might feel some regret that you enabled more than you realized. You might wish you handled certain situations differently. You might even wonder if you were a good mom or dad, or sister or even kid- and it’s easy to judge yourself looking back. But don’t get sucked into that shaming thing.

Grieving and shaming- very different. It’s ok to sit with some memories, maybe even write them down. Process them, and share with a therapist who is familiar with addiction. Open up to a friend. Feel it. But don’t get caught up in “I should have done this differently”. You knew what you knew- and you did the best you could at the time.

Don’t let your life just be all about the alcoholic. That’s not good for you, and it’s not good for them. Their recovery is NOT ON YOU. So go ahead and do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Pursue those dreams and goals. Create boundaries around how much time you’ll talk about it. Communicate clearly if you need space and time to talk about YOU.

This might look this. “I don’t have the mental space to talk about your recovery today. But I’m so proud of you and I want to talk about it soon.” OR “Can I tell you about a few things I’m excited about?”.

The healthiest support you can give- is to be healthy yourself!

I’ve done therapy by myself and we’ve done therapy together, and that is one of the most helpful parts of OUR recovery. I can’t recommend finding a good therapist enough!

Last- know this is not the end. Think about where you were a few years ago, where you are now, and what a few years ahead will look like. But don’t lose yourself in it.

AND celebrate the heck out of those soberversarys! We involve the kids and get balloons and talk about it and post about it and that’s just how we’ve chosen to do it- but it makes it fun and it keeps our eyes on the fact that LIFE IS BETTER!

If I can be of any help or support to you please reach out at taylorbashta@gmail.com

Cheers to your beautiful support and the road you’ve walked and the choices you’ve made and the awareness you’ve gained and knowing you’re not alone.

I love the picture at the top of this post. You can find his instagram account here. It’s just true- it helps to hear other people’s story. It makes us feel seen and heard! Onward!