Staying on Your Side

It’s so easy to pick up things that are not ours to carry.

Especially in relationships.

If someone you love is having a bad day, it’s so easy to let that bleed over to our own day.

Being kind, loving, supportive, is amazing.

Picking up the other person’s bad day, and strapping it on, is another.

Or even more innocent looking- picking up the bad day and strapping on the responsibility to make their day better, or to change their mood. That looks very innocent- but it’s not healthy.

I used to do this.

I wouldn’t stay in my lane. I would take on the burden of someone else's feelings. Or I felt like I needed to be able to make it all better.

I remember one time Daniel made a decision I didn’t agree with. I took that on and ended up calling him to let him know I didn’t agree- but not at the right time at all. He was with some guests in town and I called really angry, and probably sounded like a crazy person on the phone. I just took it all on and decided I needed to change his mind and make it all better. Right then.

You know what? Even if it was the wrong decision- it’s not my job to fix it. Sometimes we need to experience the natural consequences of bad decisions. This is especially hard with young kids because we are in charge of them and it’s our job to protect them. But sometimes, they need to see what happens when they choose the wrong path.

I’ve definitely had to experience the consequences of my own bad decisions. And no one can take that away or change the outcome- it’s something I have to walk through and hopefully grow from on my own.

In therapy, I’ve learned that I am my own person, and I’m in charge of me. And my job is to do the work to become the best version of myself. If my husband is in a bad mood or just working through some things, I need to let him have space to do that. Be supportive, but continue to do my work and not let it derail me.

Or if my kids are struggling, I will be there for them and love them and guide them. I can’t control them or make them live perfect little lives. I will be there for them when and if they do experience consequences to choices that might have been better made.

The flip side is also true, if I’m having a bad day and just in a funk- I can’t pile that on my husband and expect him to carry it and fix it - or be in a funk with me!

I’m learning this slowly but surely. People who have struggled with codependence might struggle with this more. Or people who are “fixers” and want to make everyone’s lives better.

We want to be supportive, but just make sure you’re not strapping on a backpack full of confusion and bad moods and choices- that isn’t even yours!