Codependency
It’s a word I knew almost nothing about.
When I look back now, I had no idea I was codependent. none.
I knew there were some unhealthy dynamics going on in our marriage. And eventually I felt the stress in my physical body too.
What is it? The Dictionary definition is this:
“excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.”
My definition is this:
“The deep down feeling in your gut that something is “off” in a relationship. You can’t shake it, others might have commented about it, and eventually, if left untouched… it’s impossible to ignore.”
Daniel has posted openly about being 2 years sober. And I always want to respect that his story…is his story to share. So I’m only sharing from my perspective and what I have experienced and learned.
I’m an enneagram 9 and will fiercely protect my “peace”, to the point that I’ll ignore and push away things that are unpleasant.
I think for a long time I had that gut feeling. And I would google “what is an alcoholic” and I would try to fix it and cover it up and, to be completely honest, I didn’t want my life interrupted. I wanted to be chosen, wanted, part of the cool club, liked, accepted, validated. I didn’t always honor what I really thought or desired.
Even in my friendships. I would text 5 people about a decision before I could make it.
My marriage had some really healthy elements. Daniel always provided for our family. We had amazing get aways and really fun times and great family trips and just normal real life goodness. But the more I ignored what wasn’t healthy, the more I denied my true self.
After I had Jax, our 4th child in 5 years, things turned really stressful. I felt like Daniel was on an island, and I couldn’t reach him. But I wasn’t ready to create boundaries. You don’t know what you don’t know. Sounds simple but it’s so real.
I struggle with looking back and wondering why. Why was I codependent? Why did I enable? I brought this up to my therapist and she said this- You were doing the best you could at the time. And that’s ok.
I did eventually accept the truth. I did open my eyes and face the hard things. I did go to On-site, which is a week of intense therapy. I did find a really good therapist to help me find myself and my voice.
I’ve also stopped blaming. I always had choices. Thankfully we live in a culture with lots of choices. We are never trapped. I also realized that my love and commitment to my husband was never a bad thing. But I let insecurity and fear talk too loudly for too long.
If you wonder if you’ve lost your voice, if you wonder if you are in a codependent relationship. If you google questions, and others have challenged you to look closer. If you are afraid to be honest, afraid of what might happen, afraid to speak what you don’t want to speak, if you have a lack of boundaries, or a poor self esteem….. these are my thoughts:
*Don’t talk to a million people. Find a trusted friend, or even better a professional therapist to help you work through your wonderings.
*Stop blaming and saying “if only they would change, then I could change”. You have choices. You have a voice. You be the one to change first!
*Healing comes in many ways. It can be through a small group, a church, a therapist, a book, or all of the above. But MOVE towards healing. Actively read, talk, listen, attend, watch things that will give you clarity on codependency!
*Be kind to yourself. You probably love fiercely and that’s not a bad thing. Often we just need to learn a healthier version of love.
*YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are worth being in a healthy relationship. If it’s with a parent, child, spouse, or friend. See yourself as worth it- to create the boundaries, to say no, to ask someone to get help, to stop enabling, protecting, hiding. You’re worth the healing!
*Recognize you aren’t responsible for another person’s happiness
*You can regain your voice, create healthy boundaries, learn to communicate how you feel, and find confidence!
Daniel and I have both worked so hard to become the healthiest versions of ourselves. We’re still working and some days are disasters some days we’re champions. Learning and growing…one day at a time.
My email is taylorbashta@gmail.com. I’d love to answer any questions.
I also referenced “On-site.” I wish everyone could go!
The book Codependent No More is a popular book on the topic. I love most of the things about the book but it’s GREAT for someone at the beginning of their healing journey!
