Motherhood

I’ve experienced a broad spectrum of motherhood moments. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which basically means low estrogen and high testosterone. My body didn’t ovulate. We went through testing and clomid, and timing and counting and testing for two years. In that time, we adopted our son. When I finally got pregnant, my baby boy was only 6 months old. This is a picture of me about 2 months pregnant!

Fast forward and my son, Phoenix, is 3, and my daughter, Bravery, is 2. We decided to try fertility meds again, just in case it took several more years. We got pregnant on the first round of meds! So boom! I have 3 kids, ages 4 and under.

When my baby turned one I noticed some pain while I was nursing. Someone suggested I could be pregnant. This idea seemed impossible but once it’s in your mind, you can’t get it out! I decided to pick up a test when I went shopping and took it in the bathroom at Ponce City Market, planning to go shopping at Lulu Lemon. Those two lines lit up Iike Christmas! And this baby turned out to be my biggest over 9 pound baby! This is a few days before he was born!

So in the span of 7 years, I experienced tears of sadness looking at negative tests months after months. I experienced the Agony and joy that is adoption. I experienced the surprised and elation of finally seeing a positive test! I experienced 2 babies under 2. And then quickly 4 babies, 5 and under.

That’s a lot.

When I look back over that time I’m so thankful I could experience all of it! I wasn’t thankful for the infertility years at the time for sure. But I know I can relate to many motherhood phases now.  

So I’d like to share a few little thoughts about these different phases- just for fun and in case anyone needs a little encouragement:

*infertility:

It’s one of the hardest things you can go through. And it’s ok to be sad about it. It’s ok to be angry about it. It feels like your body is failing you. And everyone around you is likely popping out babies and “accidentally” getting pregnant (the hardest thing to hear when you can’t get pregnant!). Find support. Find other people going through it. Keep trying new treatments. Don’t be scared to try things because you might be disappointed. We went through several medications until we found what worked. Talk to your partner about what you’re feeling. Don’t keep it all inside. Keep hope alive!

*adoption:

It’s hard and beautiful all at the same time. It’s unknown and scary but it’s worth every second of paperwork and wondering and hoping…. when that baby becomes yours! There’s also a grief in the loss of connection between birth mother and baby. That surprised me, but it’s very normal. Every adoption story is different. Don’t expect yours to be the same as someone else’s. But know yours will be amazing in its own way. And be patient!

*A surprise baby:

Take a deep breath. It’s an amazing blessing even if it feels overwhelming. You won’t be pregnant forever. Somethings shifts when you see the heartbeat on the ultrasound. Wait for that. Tell someone how you feel and don’t push it down. It’s ok. Give yourself grace to process all the different emotions (and hormones). It’s ok if you’re not excited at first. It will come! Allow yourself to feel what you feel and be ok with that. But definitely talk to someone who can support you if you feel overwhelmed!


*Having toddlers and babies close together:

Ask for help! Try to have consistent help if you can, a once a week date night or a day you know you have the afternoon off. If you’re feeling tired/overwhelmed from giving so much, tell someone before you have a meltdown. Give up on unrealistic expectations. The dishes probably won’t get washed before bed, the laundry might pile up. This is ok. And ask your partner for help with those things! Sacrifice the budget somewhere for babysitters! Go on little outings with moms in the same phase of life- it saved me to have adult social interaction in those years! Kid food is acceptable for dinner! Kids will eat veggies one day. This phase will end.. and faster than you really want it too. And you’ll make it!

Today my kids are ages 10,9,6, and 4. And every stage brings its good and hard. But there is just an intense physical exhaustion in those early years. It’s ok to admit you’re tired! It’s ok to admit you don’t always feel like being mommy. It’s ok if you’re still waiting to be a mom and finding it hard to keep hoping. It’s ok if you are pregnant and unsure. It’s ok if you’re tired.

My encouragement is this: Every stage of motherhood is bad ass- from hoping to be a mommy to the day you send them off to college. We are strong women, who literally keep these little ones alive. Bask in that power! Pray, read, find support, look back at pics of those newborns when you feel like the days are going sooooo slooooow. Know you are raising heroes. Bask in every hug and kiss. And know you are doing an incredible thing- giving your ALL to MOTHERHOOD. It’s powerful!