Denial

One of the biggest things I’ve learned in therapy is this- I can only work on ME. I’m the only one I can control or change. I can grow and heal and do the work to become the healthiest version of me. But I can’t do that for anyone else.

This was a little confusing to me in regards to my husband and children. I thought their decisions and actions reflected me. I can’t force my children to make good choices. I can teach them to have kind hearts and make good decisions, even better I can model that for them. I can love and support my husband but I can’t change him. (Obviously I can take things away from my kids and force them to “obey”, but i’m more concerned with their hearts and why they make decisions”.

My husband celebrated two years of sobriety in February. This picture is the night he got his 2 year chip! I’m SOOOO proud of him and I’ll never pretend to understand what it took to get here.

This was a huge celebration in our house with balloons and cards and fun. Our kids understood, on their level, what we were celebrating. And it was sweet to even hear them explain to their friends why we had a huge silver 2 balloon in our house. We aren’t denying our story. We aren't denying that our kids are a part of our story. We just aren’t denying.

But for a long time I did. I couldn’t see things that were unhealthy in my life, even though others around me could.

I read something recently that brought so much peace and almost relief to me regarding denial.

“Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready….We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need to only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth”.

-The Language of Letting Go

Take a Big Deep Breath.

I pointed fingers for a long time. And I blamed. And denied. But what I needed to do, the only thing in my power to do, was turn the fingers around and work on ME. That can bring about some good, but sometimes hard, introspection. Why did I deny? Why did I allow some unhealthy habits to form in me? Why did I stay too quiet or too loud? I had choices. These were, and still are, hard questions to face. But I’m doing it. I’m doing the work on ME.

The last two years have been a journey for sure. And maybe I’ll share more about them one day. But for now, if this speaks to you at all… if you’ve denied too long, or blamed too long, or thought you could fix everyone else around you too long….maybe it’s time to take a long hard look at YOU. Maybe it’s time to ask for help, to make the appointment, to make the hard choices, to have the conversation. And you know what? Maybe it’s not. And that’s ok too. We can only be where we are. And sometimes the denial phase is protection and that’s ok. But if you feel that urge to start doing the work- jump IN! You can always start small.

And sometimes, actually most of the time, when we start working on ourselves, it motivates the ONES WE LOVE to do the same.

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.”

-Elizabeth Kobler-Ross